TERROR ALERT LEVEL:

This krep was posted:

May 2010
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Same guy, different krep...
Father Knows

Things to put in your head...

Friends...

Everyday reads...

Read on his terms...
Lileks

Stuff for your ears...

 

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All commentary Copyright Stonestead.com, 2010. No part may be reproduced without permission. All statements within are the express view of the author and not necessarily those of his employeer, his clergy, his spouse, his friends or even himself.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
   That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
   Scarce heard amid the guns below.

   We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
   Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
         In Flanders fields.

   Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
   We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.

 — "In Flanders Fields" by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae.

A Jewish man spots his Jewish friend reading an Arabic newspaper.

“An Arabic newspaper? Moshe, have you lost your mind?” he says.

“Well, I used to read the Jewish papers, but what did I find?” Moshe replies. “Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to an Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. This news is so much better!”

Signs you’re getting old:

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run–anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat supper at 4 pm and nobody thinks twice about it.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Say... I don't know about you, but apparently I have a talent for killing laptops. Yeah - I just let someone else install the required software update, got the logon information then tried to update the thing. And OH, HAPPY DAY! but I'll be danged if that stupid thing isn't deader than dog poop. Oh it boots and lets me get through the crack encryption program but then I'm stuck looking at a completely blank desktop. A lovely blue screen. Not the BSOD, just an empty desktop.

But I know a few tricks, so I logout of Windows and try again with another account. Bingo! Then I try to logon to the network and several updates have to be completed, (as expected). Then it hits the virus update and it hits back. Hard. It wouldn't update and told me to do it manually. And then it gave me nine minutes to get it done.

Yeah, that's reasonable.

I try to do the manual update and it fails with about 2 minutes left. So I cancel the program doing the countdown and it lets me see the desktop. Cool! But then the program re-starts itself with a fresh countdown. It's kind of like that scene in The Fifth Element where the first bomb is defused and then a second one takes over.

So I'm furiously trying this and trying that to no avail and cancel the program again with the same result. I figure that if it will just let me keep trying with a fresh 9 minutes each time I may eventually get the install right.

But alas, no. I reboot and no matter which set of credentials I use I get the same stupid, vacant desktop. Oh the mouse moves but there's nothing to point at. Of course the best part is that I have to have this thing up and running by Thursday afternoon. Gotta love a challenge!

So yeah, if you haven't killed a laptop lately go ahead and give it a go. And if what I said was just gibberish to you, you can always try driving over it with your car...

OK, it's official; I'm beat. Dead tired. Done in. Tuckered out. There's nothing like a looming deadline which looks hopeless to meet to help you lose sleep wear you out. Well, that and a flame war with an online troll. In a Facebook conversation, a 'friend' of mine made a comment about the Declaration of Independence and the usual suspect crawled out of his cave to sing his one-note solo: SLAVERY! SLAVERY!. And of course he somehow tied the Declaration's crafting to the new Arizona immigration law (BUY ARIZONA!) and threw in slavery.

I would be surprised but I know this guy and I've heard everything he has to say. A dozen times or more. His argument is that slavery makes this country imperfect and since we're imperfect we're certainly not good. Of course it's asinine but for those tiny little minds out there it's the best they can muster.

So I did the obvious: I quoted Lileks. He once said that those who see only America's ills are like a man who says he loves women but beats his wife for not looking like the Playboy centerfold. (Think about it - it's the PERFECT analogy)

His ever-so-witty response was that he was wondering if I was referring to him or to myself. haha. Of course I'd mentioned him by name and used the phrase "you and your ilk" in my comment so it should have been pretty clear. Normally I'd guess that he was just trying to be clever but if he's stupid enough to make the 'slavery negates all good' argument then he's just stupid enough to mix the context of my comment.

So I responded by saying that even a basic understanding of English would have answered his question but that I was certain this expectation was too Ameri-centric for his taste. No response as of yet, but I'm sure he's working on a War And Peace reply which I won't even bother with.

Slaying trolls can be tiring, but it can be a great deal of fun, too...

So I heard this news story today and - being me - it brought to mind something completely different but absolutely related. The story was that crime rates were down last year when compared to previous years, (No, genius; when compared to future years. Shut up, you), and I thought, 'well, that's good to know.' And then I wondered...

How long until o-bozo drags out his teleprompter to take credit for PERSONALLY lowering the crime rate during his first year in office? How long until he thanks the hapless eric holder for the "hard work" of the justice department in cutting violent crime? Until he says that increased regulation has cut down on white collar crime? What - Wednesday at the latest?

Of course, any intelligent, competent politician would see the problem in taking credit for good numbers last year while blaming his predecessor for everything from unemployment numbers that climbed above his own promises to failing to carry through on his promise to close Gitmo to athlete's foot. But who said that the little o was intelligent OR competent? Oh - that's right: the lefty Kool-Aid drinkers and the chronically uninformed voters out there.

So I expect it to happen all the same. After all, this administration has repeatedly claimed credit for success in a war they didn't support and voted against funding. To summarize: blatantly dull, incompetent and utterly shameless. The Chicago Way!

Oh, and speaking of the city of the big shoulders, did anyone catch how D.C. - not exactly the paragon of virtue to begin with - has fallen even further under the Chicago Machine's tutelage? It's the disgusting process of "I'll scratch your back if you provide a multi-million dollar loan to a political up-n-comer that he won't have to pay back." Nice work, if you know the right people. As we're seeing now.

The latest and perhaps the most serious accusation is that of Joe Sestak. For several months now there have been rumors that this "most transparent of all administrations" offered Rep. Sestak a job in the administration, (perhaps Secretary of the Navy), if he'd drop out of the Senate race in Pennsylvania so arlen specter could retain the seat. Sestak not only refused the deal, but went on to send snarlin' arlin to the museum of natural history with the rest of the dinosaurs.

And then, last Sunday Sestak went on the Sunday shows and confirmed the rumors; he was indeed offered a job to drop out of the race. This should only surprise people who aren't paying attention and had no idea what they voted for in 2008. Business as usual around the L, it is.

Only one problem. It's not only illegal, it's a felony. A Federal offense. Graybar Hotel time. Well, Club Fed actually, but the regattas look a whole lot different from behind bars.

Will you hear about this? Probably not. The LSM dare not expose their Chosen One in any light other than that up-lit one that shines on his chin as he holds it in the air for the common folk to applaud him. I sincerely hope that those of you who gave us this guy and this group of thugs and insist on watching the bias of network "news" shows will have your names cursed by your grandchildren.

It's the least you deserve.

Ah, Saturday; a day or rest. A day of leisure. The first day away from the workaday world and finally a chance to relax and take it easy. Yeah - if you're Jewish and recognize Shabbat. Shabbat is Hebrew for 'Sabbath,' the Biblical mandated day of rest; forbidden to carry money, use electricity, work in any way and a nap is strongly encouraged.

After my Saturday, I think I'll convert...

The Wif got up and took MLD to a rare Saturday morning appearance at her Karate class. It seems the school was fast-tracking her into the next belt, ('Camo' - which is one I'd never heard of), and MLD was lacking her last stripe to make it happen, so an extra class was prescribed. Never mind that we weren't sure that the school had even ordered the belt for her, she wanted her stripe and wanted that next belt.

After being reassured that she would attain the rank even if they didn't have the belt, the girls returned home. Only to find the boys out in the backyard. I had, rather unfortunately, gotten the lawnmower started and so I was kind of forced to use the stupid thing. Now, a wet, wet Spring and the fact that I hadn't mowed it yet added up to 3 hours of me pushing that stupid thing around the back yard, whistling for The Knuckleheads to come rescue a toy whenever I found one.

And when you spend that much time walking in squared circles you get to find out the next day just exactly which muscles you were working. But it only takes until that evening to discover which parts of your body you missed with the sunscreen. Namely, face, scalp and the back of my neck. My face and my neck I can soothe with lotion but I'll just have to wait until the scalp starts peeling, (which is really cool because it grosses some people out).

The Wif fixed my lunch order - grilled ham & Swiss - and I gulped it down with a handful of chips so I could get to the belt ceremony. Which was really cool. I never cease to be amazed when I watch my little people go through their moves and shout the HI-YA'S! It's really quite impressive when you consider their age, what they've been through and how little time they've actually been involved with the sport. Took lots of movies - which I'll post on YouTube and either link or embed here and on Facebook - but I'll also use them to learn how to burn from my camera to my DVD recorder. Should be pretty cool once I get it all hooked up and running.

After the ceremony Bink and Mommy went to parts north and I undertook a rather ambitious project; to remove the dead tree stump from the backyard. Chain on the live tree, a tie-down strap around the stump and my come-along in the middle. I cranked to the end of my cable, (well, who hasn't been there?), and surveyed the scene; the stump stood unfazed. While I considered my next step I heard a snap and felt a spray across my face. Seems the wet strap had reached maximum capacity plus just a little bit.

I grabbed my other chain and we went at it again. As I cranked the pulley I could hear the stump creaking and groaning and then cracking. MLD was absolutely giddy as she started to see the gnarly beast bow to me. All that was left to do was move the thing up near the house, which is far easier said than done...

Today's sermon featured a reading from the beginning of John 8. It's the story of a woman caught in the act of adultery and brought before Jesus so she could be judged/stoned. This story is also the well spring of two well-known phrases; "let he who is without sin cast the first stone," and "now go and sin no more." Let's address the former, because like all too many things it reminded me of a joke, so of course I had to corner first the Padre and then the Rabbi to tell them the joke. Here goes.

A woman is caught in adultery and brought before a crowd that wishes to stone her to death. Jesus addresses the crowd and says, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly, from the back of the crowd an old woman appears. She is struggling under the weight of a heavy boulder. She approaches the accused woman, throws down the boulder smashing the woman and killing her instantly. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Ohh, Mom..."

The Rabbi nearly spit out his coffee.

(Just so you know, I call our Family Pastor 'Padre' and our Senior Pastor 'Rabbi' based on the line from Caddyshack. Confused the heck out of him for quite some time but now he just responds with 'Shalom.' I don't know if he understands how valuable I am to the church, because I confuse the Hell out of people.)

The Death Star has been in dry-dock for a couple of weeks. It suddenly just decided it didn't want to start and this was conveniently just after Bink turned on the map light during one of our journeys. Of course, the positive battery terminal was a bit loose and could neither be tightened nor loosened so it might be that, too.

I hooked up the battery charger and eventually the charger said the battery was fully charged. Oh yeah, Bub? Nothing happened. No signs of life. Not even those dreadful clicks that you hear when your battery is just a bit short of juice.

And then, for no reason I could determine, it started on Saturday. I parked it in the driveway so the collected weeks of rain water could run out and I could send D-Man after my second chain, (see today's first entry). After all the work was done I went to move it out of the way and... Nothing. Zip. Bupkis. Which was just great because here was this 2 ton truck sitting right in the way of The Wif getting into the garage.

In a rush to get it moved I put the charger back on the battery and it seemed to take a charge. "OK" I thought, "that must be the problem." I let it sit for a time and checked on it again. Charge complete. Well maybe, but I wouldn't be able to prove it by my results. As I opened the door I noted that the light in the door was on. After it wouldn't start I checked the fan and the radio. Both worked fine. Headlights were set to come on automatically and they did.

I was a bit confused so I took the battery back to Checker where it tested out just fine and reported an 86% charge. The machine insisted on giving it a full charge and who was I to argue? But while I was waiting for the charge I found a new battery terminal and it seemed that this was the next logical step in the process.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER I had removed the old terminal using almost every hand tool I own. Heck, I even got out my propane torch at one point. I attached the new terminal and got everything buckled down nice and tight. Battery charged, new terminal, tight connection - ready to go!

Nothing. The engine wouldn't turn over at all. No hint of a willingness to even consider my request. So now I'm convinced that the starter is dead. You can imagine how thrilled I am at this idea. I have to start the truck to take it to the mechanic to replace the starter. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR.

I see a tow-truck in my future and I'm already counting the zeros on the end of the bill...

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady hobbled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the old lady shuffled between them and into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Jedediah, go get your Mother."

An elderly man in Kansas owned a large farm where he had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m just here to feed the alligator.’

First off, and this is probably the only time I'll say this unless the trend continues, ignore the comic above. Either Mr. Muir is running short of ideas or he ran out of meds. Maybe he's experimenting with a new medium. Whatever.

So, The Wif is about to walk through the door - or rather, drive into the garage - and she'll be a more than welcome sight. This of course means a few things: first, the kids can go back to their regular schedule instead of having to get up insanely early to accommodate my work schedule. I'LL get back to my regular schedule which means I'll get to sleep 90 minutes more than I was able to so far this week, and, tonight was our last chance to order a meat lover's pizza. So we did.

Now I've groused about Pizza Hut's website in the past and may do so yet again, but only once more. They're on their last chance with me...

After never receiving an automated password reminder from them I fired off a missive deriding their crappy website. THREE DAYS later I received a human response with my password and a rather weak apology. So tonight I used that password, logged on and tried to change my password only to be told that my confirmation question's answer had to be 5 characters long - as if I had something to do with my mother's maiden name.

Of course, that hardly mattered because the stupid thing errored out when I tried to change everything so I have no idea which password to use next and the last time. Guess we'll find that out, eh?

So! On to my order; a large meat lovers, but I'd also like shrooms on half so I go to the next tab and add them. Throw in some breadsticks, schedule delivery for 2 hours later and input my DEBIT card information. I did receive an email confirmation of my order, but it only went to prove that they completely botched my order. They had it listed as just shrooms on half and cheese alone on the other half. No, No, NO! So I do the unthinkable: I call them.

I explain to the blond who answered what happened and how I wanted it fixed. She went back and talked to the guys bending the dough. When she returned she confirmed that she fixed it: meat lovers and shrooms on one half and cheese only on the other half. *SIGH*

No, I want a meat lovers pizza. Complete and total. Entire pizza. Left side, right side, up and down over the whole thing - meat lovers. And if it occurs to you, please slap a few mushrooms on any side you choose so long as it's the top. Thanks.

The pizza finally arrived, seven minutes early like I'm going to complain about that, and by some miracle they got it right. Of course, this didn't stop the kids from squealing like stuck pigs the very instant they saw a mushroom but I've found that a stiff back-hand puts an end to 90% of that nonsense...

I had a bit of a dust-up with one of my online friends today. She was talking about a 'Facebook Junior' that was being introduced and thought it was a good idea for her 15 year old daughter. I, of course said there was a snowball's chance of My Lovely Daughter EVER getting her own Facebook page while she lives under my roof. Her answer? "Good luck."

Let me tell you something: "luck" has nothing to do with it. NOTHING. One of MLD's best friends is a year younger than her and she just got her ears pierced. Did we get the question? No - she knew better. When we go to McDonalds I get my daughter the boy's toy with her meal because I can't stand the messages the girl's toys give. She understands this. My daughter even covers up The Wif's bra catalogs because "the boys shouldn't see this."

Think ANY of that is due to "luck?" She came to us having already watched "I Know What You Did Last Summer," and "Scream" and now she gets scared when watching "Indiana Jones." Luck? I gotchur luck right here, bub.

Of course there's the always popular, "they've got to learn sometime" and the even more popular, "well, not MY kid!" Well I don't have to know the kid because I know the physiology; from just after puberty until into their 20's kids' brains are being literally re-wired. neuropathways are being broken and re-formed and the frontal lobe (responsible for planning) is nothing but an accessory. And I don't care HOW perfect your kid is, it happens to all of them.

And by the way, if a parent goes by the "they're bound to be curious," or, "they've got to learn sometime," or, "they're going to do it anyway," does that same "logic" apply to gun safety?

I thought not.

(Speaking of guns, I posted a picture of my arsenal on Facebook today. In case you're curious.)

This is shaping up to be a very, very surreal week. The Knuckleheads are set to move up to the fourth belt in Karate and it certainly seems as if they're rushing MLD through her yellow belt so that she'll get her next one at the same time. This is something I really don't need to see because I just had to chastise her - for about the eighth time - about focusing on Karate instead of her splits, (see yesterday's post), and it sure seems as if the instructors are rewarding bad behavior, but they probably don't know what all is going on here.

At any rate, she'll get her belt on Saturday, (C'mon down! We'll barbeque!), and we'll see if the sudden, unexpected advancement is challenge enough to help her concentrate. By the same token, MLD was invited to join the Gifted and Talented program at school so I had to fill out the parent questionnaire. Some of the questions were expected, does the student show the ability to think creatively, does the student demonstrate correct verbal usage of words above their class level and the like. But some were rather strange; the one that stands out was something like, Is the student serious about completing tasks, has a long attention span if interested in the task or moves from task to task without completing them.

Isn't that about 3 questions? And why are they grouped together like that? I'm sure some kind of psychobable is involved but still...

Anywho, I answered the questions as honestly as I possibly could and gave two examples in the "list other things we should know" box at the end. And I did so with some trepidation; after all, the GT kids are sometimes looked upon as freaks but on the other hand I don't want to deprive her of every opportunity to be everything God meant her to be. I'll just have to make sure I prepare her with the right answers for when she does get teased.

And if that doesn't work she can give them a good chop across the larynx.

At any rate, I have to get going. I defraged my C: drive today and once that finished my other hard drive (E:) was missing. Out of the system, it was. And of course that's the drive which houses about 80% of the kids' pictures and movies, not to mention our extensive collection of recipes. I've got a couple of plans of attack but they sure as heck won't work unless I get started.

Wish me well.

Well, at least I made it through the first day. Although there's nothing like going upstairs to change clothes and hearing two little boys cheering to some kind of a 'clang' from the monitor. I head downstairs to find that they're bouncing a super ball on the kitchen floor, (a definite no-no), with the goal of having it land in the dog food bowl. And while I should have let the dog deal with them I didn't have the time for my old, deaf, blind dog to figure out what was going on. Besides, what was he going to do, gum them to death?

So the ball goes in the trash and they get sent into exile as I fix dinner. Actually, all I have to do is heat it up because The Wif prepared tonight's meal before she left. What a peach. We hurry through dinner so we can get The Knuckleheads to Karate and arrive in plenty of time. Just to discover that I'd left their belts at home. But it seems to be a common affliction because there were two other boys in the class without their belts.

They do their warm-ups and start practicing their routines when the teacher leaves the class in the hands of one of the teenage instructors and heads towards the desk. At that point MLD gets up out of her seat and heads towards the desk, too. Fortunately someone appeared at the door, the instructor goes to talk to them and MLD returns to her seat I go to her and ask what she had to interrupt class for.

"I wanted to ask if I was doing the splits right."

Rage comes close to what I felt at that moment. She lost the tournament because she spent 80% of her warm up time doing the splits instead of practicing her routines. She got a heartbeat medal but nothing else. When she should be doing homework she's doing splits. When she's supposed to be putting away her laundry? You guessed it.

So, under my breath I told her that she was done with Karate, she wasn't going to get her next belt and I was going to sell all her new sparring gear. All because of her and THOSE FRICKIN' SPLITS!

On the ride home I told her that since she had no interest in actually learning Karate and only wanted to do the splits I could see no reason in spending money for her to learn Karate when she could practice her beloved splits for free in the playroom or in her bedroom. She then promised she'd quit worrying about the splits and focus on Karate.

We'll see...

Ahhh, well. I just deleted 3 paragraphs I'd written because, well, frankly I'm becoming a bit paranoid about the state of the State these days. I never thought it would come to this - and maybe it hasn't yet - but the evidence is out there that we're at least awfully close.

So here's my advice: pay attention to what's going on around you. Seek out alternative views, analyze everything and in the end? Go with what your gut tells you. Common sense can still win out if you let it.

Good luck.

Today - being the end of my long weekend - marks the furthest I am from my next long weekend. But that's alright because the next one is not 3 days, but 4. Leading a short week into a short week into a short week followed by a long week.

THAT's the one that's going to hurt!

Of course, The Wif is leaving town Monday morning so I'll be alone in the monster-wrangling for a time this week. Not a huge deal - I've done it before and survived - just a bit of a hassle because our schedule is so much busier now. Monday: Knucklehead Karate. Tuesday: everybody Karate. Wednesday is a night "off" but that's a lie because I'll have to cook dinner, do dishes and give baths throughout the week as well. Busy, busy busy.

Additionallly, I'm under the gun at work to get some laptops updated. It's funny, and I don't know if you other IT geeks out there experience the same thing, but I find that problems happen in rounds. You know - these two weeks it's mainly printer problems while the next two weeks will be laptop issues. I guess it's nice because you don't have to change mental gears as often but I really have to wonder what's next. SQL? Scanners? Backups? It's like Christmas!

Anyway - this weekend was rather interesting because I got to spend some one-on-one time with each of my Knuckleheads. On Friday D-Man and I ran hither and yon and he actually kept his spirits high, (unusual, since he tends to not like shopping and the like). We went and he watched me get my allergy shots, (making grimacing faces during each one to great comedic effect). We then went to get the emissions checked, ("what's that, Daddy?" "What's that?" "What's he doing?" "Why are there wheels in the floor?"), and then he announced, "TIME FOR CHICK-FIL-A!" Who was I to argue? I love Chick-Fil-A.

We had a car picnic on the way to the motor vehicle office and then hit the bank. I can tell you that walking out of the bank carrying six hundred dollars cash really, REALLY impresses a five-year old!

Then on Saturday I got up as usual and made breakfast, (pancakes), and after Mommy came downstairs I went back up and laid down on the bed with a cracking headache. The Wif then appeared and announced that instead of just taking MLD to her mother's she would take D-Man as well, leaving me and Bink alone for a large part of the day. OK. Cool.

I continued to lie on the bed and he soon joined me with a handful of Duplo® blocks in hand. He was going to make "a guy." He crafted them this way and that - making some fine creations but apparently not "a guy," so he eventually asked me to do it. I did the best I could and he seemed to approve. Right up until the time he started to tear it apart.

At one point during the destruction a piece flew off rather violently and hit me in the hip. Always with a flair for the dramatic where my kids are concerned I shouted, "OW!" And The Bink thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Until a few minutes later when another piece flew off and hit me in the face.

He laughed so hard I thought he was going to wet himself.

Now, I've found that with busy, distracted little boys it's often quite useful to throw them off their normal course and the easiest way I've found to do it is to take them to the grocery store. I just pick up a few things, they get a cookie, we get out of the house and they've forgotten about whatever destruction they were planning. Plus, all the little old ladies get to smile and cluck at them, so everybody's happy.

So we're at the store, and Bink insists on collecting a free sample. Turns out to be a carbonated fruit juice that he didn't like very much. While standing there, I was approached by a woman with a camera who asked if she could photograph me for use in their ad campaign. So I immediately put a hand on my wallet. But no, she just wanted to take pictures of me grabbing a sample from the sample lady. I insisted that my boy was much more photogenic - and she agreed - but apparently the "models" had to be 18 years of age.

And she didn't even ask to see my ID, the witch...

Some of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter have asked the name of the company and I have to admit that I honestly don't know. It was such a surreal experience to have in the middle of the grocery store that it never even crossed my mind to make sure. All I know is that the labels have little "bubbles" and the name sounded vaguely European. And since I didn't leave any contact information it's pretty unlikely I'll see the final result, except by accident perhaps.

Ah, still plenty to say about National politics but I'll leave with a Twitter/Facebook comment I made earlier today: "Using the term "Nazi" in a political discussion today is minimizing true evil and discounting the deaths of up to 12 million innocents."

Quote me.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Just then, the priest knocks on the door.

”Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, “Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I’ve got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row.”

The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves. The American says, “oh well” and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, “Hey mister, is that money still on the table?”

“Well sure it is” he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he’s done, the American says, “Well, I’m a man of my word, so here’s your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?”

He says: “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!”

For those following from home, things seem to be advancing towards the start of the 4th at Pimlico. *WINK* *WINK*. I'll announce the starter's pistol as soon as I hear it with race results to follow. (If you don't understand what I'm saying, there's a reason for that; so few of understand what I say on a regular basis, right?)

2nd week in May. 2nd snowfall this week. They haven't been blizzards, natch but still a bit interesting to see at this time of year. Maybe this was how algore should've predicted that catastrophic 20 foot rise in ocean levels: extra snow and extra run-off. But no, he went with melting icebergs, the ninny. You'd think that after attending all those fancy parties and fundraisers you'd think he'd notice that ice in a drink does not raise the overall level of said drink -- BUT NO... he has decided to push his anti-transportation agenda. More accurately, it's his anti-transportation-for-you-but-for-me-it's-just-fine agenda.

And of course you've watched at least some of the debates he's been involved in over this, right? I mean I've seen people caught flat-footed, (SEE ALSO: the little o without a prompter), but this guy simply... WHAT? You mean he's participated in exactly ZERO debates on global warming? And he ignores ALL offers from ANYone all over the world? Interesting...

In addition to ME being deathly ill today, My Lovely Daughter seems to be battling some sort of pesky bug; she gets Benadryl and zinc nose swabs while I get to lie in a puddle of sweat alternately putting on or throwing off blankets all day. The funny thing is that Bink keeps insisting that, "I have a sore throat," or "my nose hurts," just so he can get some medicine. And after telling him "no" roughly 800 times a minute he then moves on to the other one of us. I'm not sure he'll understand the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf but man is this a potential learning experience if he keeps playing it out. Hold on - knock at my bedroom door...

It was Bink telling me his throat hurt. So I had him attacked by a wild wolf.

I saw, "The Devil's Tomb" and liked it despite the fact that - regardless of the title - it was a mainstream flick. How mainstream? Thanks for asking! I starred Cuba Gooding Jr, Ron Perlman and was directed by Sean Connery's son. That mainstream.

The reason I tend not to watch more mainstream movies is that you get these big stars and famous directors and the vast majority aren't willing to put their reputations on the line. As such, this means that even when they do 'step outside their comfort zone' they usually do so with only one foot. Every now and then you find someone trying to change their image because the work is no longer coming, (how tom cruise and matt damon became "action stars" is beyond me), but even then it's not in a "daring project," but rather just a different type of role.

So give me Independents, Korean & Japanese Horror and supernatural stuff. Much more interesting and far less predictible. Oh, and comic book Super Heroes just for the fun of it. I can't wait until they make Metal Men.

So we've got a new SCOTUS nominee. Grand. After appointing a "wise latina" to the court, this bozo has the chance to make history by appointing the third woman to the Supreme Court and it will be "an [sic] HISTORICAL MOMENT." That's what we're watching here, people.

The first THIS and the first THAT and let's break all barriers and by all means appoint a "transgendered individual" (and how funny that the word "dual" appears there), to a judgeship as soon as possible. And that's in the works...

I grow so weary of this crap, but that's what the left is counting on, I suppose. Throw enough crap and eventually the enemy will feel the need to shower, I suppose. Best they can put together because they sure as Hell don't have an argument they can express logically.

You'll hear a ton of stuff about how 'eminently qualified' this nominee is. And it's also true that a person doesn't ever have to be a judge, or a law student or even a lawyer to serve on the Supreme court, so maybe I'm just ticked that I see my last chance blowing away.

No, not really. Living in D.C. would drive me competely crazy and even given the fact that they seem to take 4 months off every year, I'm not sure that's enough. I'd need a Sherpa, a trail, a Holiday Inn and free In-room HBO so I could send the Sherpa up the mountain and watch him from my hotel room.

Hey - I'm paying him whether I go or not, right? Why not send him on his own?

But we're pretty far afield: I got a call which could be good tidings or "interesting" news on Mother's Day. A bit scary and of course, the Tech Guy, botched the call. I accidentally hit something on the phone while pulling it out of my pocket and hung up on the call. GOOD! All solved!

I'm kidding, natch. I scrolled through my contacts and somehow came up with the office number. Now THAT was brilliant. I then went to my phone's history and called the number that called me and we were connected. It turned out that the call was for The Wif so I then had to walk through the house to get her the phone.

All is well.

Ugh. AGAIN. I'm so sick of the bad news being spun as good news, the lies from this administration being sold as truth, the incompetence of the administration being covered by the incompetents in the LSM and a total lack of accomplishment being sold as the MOST! SUCCESSFUL! PRESIDENCY! EVER!! It's utterly disgusting.

Oh, people are quick to blame Bush for signing the first recovery act and increasing the debt, but the vast majority of that money has been repaid already. In a similar vein, too many people are quick to credit the little o for a "recovery" he initiated, even though much of the money has yet to be spent.

HUH?!?

Well, as Cervantes wrote, facts are the enemy of truth and it's never been more true here than now.

Flood in the South? Bush's response was too little to late - even though he honored State's Rights. Another flood in the South? The little o goes golfing and nary a word of criticism is to be heard. High gas prices? Bush's favors to his oil cronies are to blame. More high gas prices? Even though the little o did nothing about the oil spill for a week, that's still Bush's fault too, (and I love the fact that gibbs said the administration would "keep their foot on the neck" of BP. That's sure to lower gas prices, right?).

Geez. Why don't we require this guy to run a lemonade stand on Pennsylvania Avenue just to see if he has the slightest idea of how a business actually works. I mean, the kid that mows our front lawn started out last year with a pickup, a lawnmower and a gas can. This year he has an employee. That's right; he showed up with a friend in tow to propose a mowing schedule and they've been here twice already. Great kid, good work. I wonder how much stimulus money HE received.

So Instead, I thought I'd talk about Mother's Day weekend...

It started out Friday afternoon as I literally raced my way to my allergist. My shift ended at 4:00 and the shot desk closes at 4:30. I can make it in time but you never know. And I never knew there was an accident along the way.

So I shoot through the mall parking lot instead of sitting and waiting for things to clear and I get to the doc's at 4:29:48. Or so. I get my shots and wait the requisite 20 minutes before heading out. I then go back mostly the way I came only to find that I should've gone straight instead of turning. Ah well, no matter: I hang a U and get back to where I was in pretty short order.

My destination? The Shane Company. I had in mind either an onyx or a ruby set and accidentally stumbled onto the ruby case first, (probably because they didn't have an onyx case). I picked out a diamond and ruby pendant in white gold and then finally found the earrings I wanted to match; diamond and rubies in half-loops that kind of looked like candy canes in white gold. I bought them all for a mere $1,433 and some change with cash in hand. Well, it was my debit card but close enough. That was the Genesis for the Tweet that said I'd just ticked off The Wif but she didn't know yet.

(A quick aside. I don't expect that anyone who reads this follows me on Twitter. Or that anyone who follows me on Twitter reads my Facebook wall. Or that anyone who reads my Facebook wall reads this stuff. I just don't have that big of an ego to think that everybody will read everything I write everywhere. It's still a fractured medium and that leads to a fractured audience. This also means that I don't imagine anyone has ever, EVER read a single thing I've written, so I may say the same things to you in person. Which kind of allows you to focus your attention where you want to.)

Then, on Saturday, The Wif - bless her - allowed me to sleep because she loves me and I've been suffering from insomnia lately. Seems I'm back to my old sleeping rhythms and they really, really, bite. Up at 4:00 and then hours of lying in bed awake. Now, I know all about sleep hygiene and I know you're "supposed" to get up and do something different, but why shouldn't I be comfortable while I'm not sleeping? At any rate, she got up with the kids and fixed them breakfast - a job which is normally, enjoyably mine - and then dropped the bomb: I was suddenly expected to go to "central Denver" to pick up sparring gear.

Yeah. From Westminster to Onieda and Colfax. Walk in the park, baby!

I accidentally find the house, pick up the gear, get started on our "car picnic" lunch and finish our Mother's Day shopping before heading home. All is well.

Sunday starts as normal except I head down earlier than usual and we give Mommy her cards and then her gifts. She is riled, but calm, (if such a thing is possible). I tell her the cost of the jewelry and she almost faints. Criminey; you try to do something nice...

It was paid in cash and that cash will all be replaced - plus more - this week. Does this matter? Of course not. I'm beginning to think she embraces the mindset of her youth even more than I do, but I'll have to conduct further studies. Unfortunately, this means that she will be subjected to ever more increasing numbers of expensive pieces of jewelry.

She'll just have to cope, I suppose.

And then, that afternoon, I got a phone call that scared me out of my skin. But that's a story for a different time.

Just for the heck of it...

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Rules today: no politics, but no family stories either. Just a short, serious post about the National Day of Prayer.

The National Day of Prayer has been long established in this country and recognized - much like Thanksgiving - in several different ways as we've gone along. Like everything, it seems to have been turned into a "hot button" issue these days but I firmly believe in the concept. After all, there have been all kinds of studies where prayer has been shown to have a positive effect on people suffering from disease. Either them praying for help or from friends and family praying on their behalf.

AND, even if you don't believe THOSE studies, there have been plenty of others finding that prayer releases theta waves in the brain - much like meditation. And not to mention that it calms the mind, body and soul in very important ways. In short, it's a beneficial force that we can all access and we all need.

That's just the personal aspect. On a larger scale, the current state of our Nation and of the World in general is just screaming out for prayer. We need intercession. We need help if we are to survive as the Second Chosen Land - which in studying our history I firmly believe to be the case - from all the various threats we face now.

(Let me say here that while I believe the U.S. is the Second Chosen Land I in NO WAY believe we're superior to the First in ANY theological sense. Just to clear up any confusion.)

So today - even if you're not a believer - it would do you, your nation and the world good to stop and say a simple prayer; pray for a better work circumstance. Pray for patience. Pray for your kids or a friend's kids. Pray for a sick friend. Pray for our military serving to keep us free. And yes, pray for the government and that they are able to actually help our country.

Prayer knows no politics.

Geez. I was going to let this go but if they won't, I feel obligated to return fire with fire. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY COUNTRY?!? How many attempted attacks have we suffered since the little o took the oath, (either time)? Wasn't this crap supposed to stop if we'd just elect the anointed one already? The oceans were going to drop, the temperatures were going to drop, the rest of the world would love us again and the terrorists would accept us as friends. Finally.

Yeah. That's working out really well, isn't it?

So there have been something like 15 attempted terrorist attacks IN THIS COUNTRY since the little o changed the locks on the oval office, (we're still not clear on what happened in Houston today), and I have a question. Actually, I have several.

Why are the very people who say, "he's done so much for the country," unable to point to a single accomplishment? And those same people say, "he's done so much" but then follow it up with, "it's too early for these things to be judged - you know, those "things" they can't name.

Of course, everything is Bush's fault; the bad economy, (overseen by the democrats for the past three years), unemployment, (see above), spending, (Bush's dime to the little o's twenty dollars), the war, (who's been in command for a scant 16 months now?), Gitmo, (you mean it isn't closed yet?), partisan politics, (and who has denied the other party any role in any legislation?), restless leg syndrome and athlete's foot. It's all Bush's fault.

So, my next question: which is the party of personal responsibility? Because this clown sure hasn't stepped up in the least. In fact, he and his other incompetents have done nothing but pass the buck. Harry Truman is spinning in his grave at what's become of the party.

And just to make things worse, this latest attempt, (not counting Houston), is proof that this group is in WAY over their heads. No intel, no attempt to track his travel, no questions about what was surely questionable behavior, no attempt to revoke his passport, and THE GUBERMINT AGENTS at the airline gates, (remember how badly you wanted them federalized?), let him board a plane for a Middle Eastern nation. The plane was ready for take-off before they were finally able to get it back to the gate and grab the guy.

Not exactly a great achievement, but sure as Hell they're claiming the whole system worked without a glitch. How do they get away with that? Quite simple; the networks and the dying cable channels, (i.e., not Fox), will never find ANYTHING they dislike with the democrat party and the little o is without a doubt their savior. In fact, when they are forced to report on the misdeeds of someone from the left side of the aisle they won't even note their party affiliation, but you'd better believe that there's a bright, shiny "R" after any Republican who so much as joy walks across K street.

I can only hope that the TEA party movement is a sign that people are fed up with the total bias from the LSM and are ready for "CHANGE."

Oh - and if you're one of those who believe that this administration did "everything we could as soon as we could," be sure to check out the official statement issued by the press secretary on DAY 3 of the gulf oil leak. Something like, 'meh - we're not sure it's really a problem.' Please doubt me and please look it up.

I really, REALLY hate doing this, but my page is about what I think so I feel free to vent on the page I pay for. Call me silly if you will.

Why haven't we heard about any outrage from the people of Louisiana who are about to lose their livelihood - i.e. fishing and tourism - due to the lack of a response from the gubermint? Well, it wasn't a complete lack of response: the little o did promise first to burn off the oil, then to send 2 C-130's to spread a dispersal chemical. Yeah, just two big, hairy problems there: first, they never could be bothered to start the burn. Second, the two C130's can only spread the chemical over a very limited area given a limited time. It would take something like 8 months to stop the spread if it were left to just those two - TWO - C130's.

Granted, they're grand, beautiful beasts, and I'm grateful for every opportunity I had to watch one take off, (it's sort of like watching a toddler taking his first steps), but this is bigger that those.

And it's bigger than this farce we have for a President. He doesn't know what he's doing and if that's not obvious then you're just not paying attention. In fact, the chosen one goes out of his way to prove that he's out of his depth every day.

But why no media coverage? Why haven't the networks jumped all over the lack of response from the little o? Even Bush did a fly-over, but this guy can't manage that, much less what he said he'd do! But it's all down the Memory Hole because katie the ditz can't be bothered to read it to the camera.

So they'll do a burn that isn't a burn (at all), and send a "friendlier" option that'll take months to do any good. (Gee - sounds like the economic program on steroids.) (And I'm not sure that those 2 C130's have arrived and started doing any work anyway.)

So, basically the little o says, "Uh - let me make this clear - we're going to uh, tackle the uh, problem" and everyone in the old media just sighs and says, "Isn't he magnificent?!?"

All the more reason to get plugged into modern media, if you ask me.

Such grand news: My boys will become "camo belts" later this month. They've earned their third black stripe which means they'll get their blue, white and red stripes in the coming weeks. Now, I've never heard of a camo belt until my kids signed up here, but they're about to get them all the same. It's the fourth belt in this school and will send them into the "advanced" tiger group - even though they're only 4 and 5.

This will change our weekly schedule, but that's really not much of a surprise given my life at the moment. Or in the future.

I'm a little worried that a "belt ceremony" will become such common practice for The Knuckleheads that they will no longer appreciate it when it happens, frankly. But they're learning, so that's something.

And this was my second night of volunteering to help out with Karate class. I have a feeling this might become a habit. Of course, I also got to do it with MLD and didn't have to be bothered with my own kids in the least.

(I'm kidding, natch.)

Some of you will recognize the line from The Simpsons I referenced in the title, and others are like me and will have long written off The Simpsons about 8 years ago when they stopped being funny. Fortunately, the line comes from a much earlier "Treehouse of Terror" episode which was actually quite humorous. It was a take on "The Shining" which was really quite amusing.

But what we're seeing now is not in the least bit amusing and is instead rather a horror flick all in itself...

I did this sort of thing last year but I believe it bears repeating: those of you who hated George W. Bush hated him because he: spent too much money. Wouldn't disengage our troops in Iraq or Afghanastian. Kept Gitmo open. Was late to respond to Katrina. et al.

So, aside from the fact that this bozo (they're both from chicago), has sent spending through the roof, promised to send taxes in the same direction, hasn't yet closed Gitmo, (we're how far into his term already?), still has the forces under his control in Iraq and has sent more soldiers into Afghanistan, (George W. "surge" style) as well as forcing the blood to get off on the third floor, what's to love about this guy?

He's an amateur lacking even the experience of Bart Simpson. After all, Bart ran a campaign for class president, but he also ran a lemonade stand at one point. Far more than this clown-in-chief has done in his lifetime.

So. If we've all got our panties in a twist because FEMA didn't immediately respond to Katrina because Bush was a "reckless racist" who "didn't care about minorities" and "didn't respond to a crisis," then what about this idiot? The rig was on fire; did he do anything? People died in the gulf. Did he do anything, (aside from going golfing)? And since he's so damned concerned about the environment, why wouldn't he take care of the problem from Day One?

George W. decided to fly over the wreckage of Katrina because the logistics of a Presidential visit would take away from recovery efforts. But there's an oil spill of epic proportions happening right now. Did the little o even do a fly over? No. This thing is multiple-upon-multiple upon the Exxon valdez spill, (which was SURE to KILL THE ENTIRE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but the environmentalist in chief couldn't be bothered to even show up.

Which makes him so much that better than George W, natch.

Your taxes are lower?

Your gubermint is smaller?

The response to disasters is faster, (BTW, does anyone know what FEMA does?)

The world loves the U.S. more?

We're spending less, saving more and our investments are more valuable?

Why do I feel like there's barbed wire in my future?

By the way, all of my online "imaginary" friends might want to think about signing up on Facebook. I know some of you Twitter but you can catch all of that from Facebook.