*SNICKER*

Why English is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Any more come to mind? Love to hear 'em...

I have one. Single. Question. For everyone out there: if the "public" "option" is so great as far as "health" "care" "reform" is concerned, why are the idiots in congress EXEMPT from this plan? I mean, for that matter, why aren't they knocking down the door to sign up for it? I mean, what are they, idiots?

OK - forget that. I forgot with whom we were dealing for a second... Because as great as the plan is going to be, of COURSE congress would put themselves at the front of the list, right? They're going to be the first 535 people to sign up for universal health care - because it means such good things will be coming to them, right?

This is a stupid argument and anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together SHOULD be able to figure it out: if it's a Great Plan, congress should want it for themselves. If it's a sucky plan, well, they'll force it on us like they always do. So which one have they done?

We have this hippie friend who's trying to convince me to support Little o care. Her favorite phrase, (at the moment), is, "free health care!" Now obviously she's not smart enough to understand the meaning of the word "free," but it goes deeper than that: she has NO! IDEA! that the bill that passed the house outlaws public insurance, basically puts her parents on an ice floe and allows the gubermint FULL ACCESS to your bank accounts.

I would guess that this is the point where credit cards come in handy, but they're sure to check that rating as well. Can you imagine how happy I'll be when mine comes back as "Zero?" HA!!

I talked to a Deacon today, but only because he, (or rather His Wife), checks their messages and he returned my call. He's a great guy with lots of faults. EXACTLY how I'd like to be described when I'm called home. Like it, Love it, Leave it; that's how we are and it doesn't get any better.

We're still not sure of where we'll land and WHEN we'll land there, but we'll land. We may have an extra redheaded jock on our hands but only time will tell and only God knows that plan.

MLD is completely ready. D-Man is ready. Bink? Not so much. I don't think he wants he wants to lose his "baby" status - no matter how much he fights against it. More importantly, what will his nickname be? It's driving me crazy...

So swimming is over and I was convinced - CONVINCED - that this would help to de-complicate my life. Which only goes to show how wrong I can be at each and every turn: Tuesdays are still Tuesdays and they're going to be bath night for the foreseeable future and that means one thing. Busy nights.

(I initially typo-ed it as "Busty nights" but those of you who know The Wif are already aware that every night around her IS a Busty Night.) (Lots of Busty Mornings, for that matter)

And I'm not sure what is going on, but The Wif seems to be going out of her way to make my life easier, lately. I'm surprised because this is exactly counter to type. And experience. And history. And... well, you get the idea...

I think I know what's happening - namely I've quit being a selfish bastard and unlike the stereotypical TV/Movie husband I actually DO SOMETHING with my kids, my Wif and I actually do the dishes. Not to mention serving dinner on most nights. "Can I please have more water, Mommy?" I grab the cup and get the water. "May I please have milk?" I'm the one who gets it. I'm not bragging, I just make a point of serving my family.

Amazing. Make a show of strength by kneeling and suddenly everything's running smoothly. Just as an example...

My Amazing Wif decided we'd have spaghetti, (thank you, Mara Garski!), Tuesday night and asked if I wanted meatballs or meat sauce. I decided on both and she quickly grilled up a pound of hamburger to add to the sauce. She then added the sauce and put it in the fridge. All I'll have to do is boil the noodles, (think I got that), and put them together. And on the table with spoons enough for, well, the spaghetti and fruit and garlic bread. So far, I number that at zero.

But that's NOT the point here. The point is that I'll have to remember to grill up some Italian sauage we'll have dinner tomorrow night. And I'll play a minimal role in it, but it'll be ready and the kids will eat. And all will be well!

She's incredible...

This weekend had it's own drama but for reasons other than you'd expect if you knew the crowd The Wif used to run with. The crowd that decided to hold an informal reunion this weekend. Instead, Saturday was filled with sauteed grilled flank steak, (delicious stuff - and I know since we brought it), chips, fruit (don't get me started), and time with my Israeli brother.

We sat. We talked. We had a beer. We talked about the fact that we both had wives. We talked. And then, we watched our boys try to kill each other.

Seriously -- unless you have sons, you have no idea what they're capable of. EVEN if you were once a son, you can only imagine what your little guys are up to. They're a constant surprise and like to remind you of that.

Often.

My boys were fighting with the son of my Israeli Brother and it was an interesting thing to see: his son is older and stronger than my oldest son, so he pushed my boy to the ground during each attack. Every time and time and time again he beat my boy.

Well, my oldest boy. My youngest boy (for now), couldn't be bothered by being out-matched and just kept fighting. That was pretty cool: he'd get moved in a certain direction, knocked down and moved about but he just kept coming around for more. This side, that side, he got hit and bruised and couldn't be bothered.

He kept fighting. That's my boy...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically, produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned to the medicine man and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

(Donated specifically for a friend who isn't a reader any more. But why should that stop me?)

Years ago, The Wif used to warn me that I was going to end up on some kind of gubermint list because I dared to speak out against - and to - gubermint officials. I would voice my opinion about gun control laws, their votes on increasing taxes, expanding gubermint programs and whatever else chapped my hide. See, I was working on this crazed, delusional idea that I had the right to say whatever I wanted to. This belief was based on a thin piece of fragile paper that only Heaven Knows where it is now.

Ah, well. who cares now, right?

Well, all of a sudden I care now because I'm actually starting to become concerned with the fact that this administration IS collecting lists of those who oppose them. What they'll do with them? That's anyone's guess. But if THIS anyone is guessing, well, I fear the worst. I'm sure the lefties out there are sure I'm dead crazy, but George Bush NEVER did anything like this.

(Cry as they might about it, "W" never, EVER approached this level of hitlerian control over his opponents. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong...)

Let's remember that congress passes bills and the President can sign, veto or "pocket veto" the bill as he sees fit. That's his right under the Constitution. And it's congress' right to be complete morons. As my rep recently explained to me via email: he's going to support the little o's plan NO MATTER WHAT but he welcomed me to join the "public forum" on his website.

Yeah. I'm SURE to do that...

Well. This has been quite a weekend and we're already well past it. I already told you about the surprise we received on Sunday - quite a shocker - but there's more. Namely, we had a mini- unofficial reunion of my High School class. It was organized via Facebook so of course Dood knew nothing about it. Well, that's not true; his brother gave him some information about it, so he had some clue.

I of course knew about it but just couldn't get there and frankly didn't put too much effort towards it. The kids were at my folks' house and after all the extra hours I've been putting in lately I just wanted to lie back, enjoy the quiet and do whatever caught my fancy, (crappy movie). So that's what I did.

Then - this being the gosh-darned wonderful age that it is - I was able to see some pics online the very next day, (gotta love it!). With that in mind, let me ask this: when did we get so danged OLD?!? Many of the guys are either fat or bald or both and most of the women seem to be more wrinkled than last month's grapes. Yikes. I mean, I'm sure I'm not seeing everyone that attended in all of their best circumstances, but there's something to be said for NOT smiling in every picture taken of you.

OK - maybe I'm being overly-harsh here, but please; can't we put our best foot forward? It's bad enough that kids think 40 is old enough to have ridden dinosaurs to school. We don't have to look it.

Now, I should mention that I'm currently bald, but it's completely voluntary. In fact, now that we're safely in football season, I've decided to cure my baldness via the most simple of paths: doing absolutely nothing. It's kind of like how I do lawn care. Actually, it's EXACTLY how I do lawn care: do nothing to let it grow, but in season, you cut it when you need to. I'm growing back my full beard, as well. This can only mean one thing: look out for an obnoxious heat wave in the near future.

It's the way things always go: you winterize your RV and the coolest opportunity for a trip comes up. You sell your trailer and the very next weekend you find yourself with the need for one. I've long said that the best way to get a new job is to order a whole mess of business cards for your current one. So as I grow my hair back, look out for absolute heat to beat down upon us. It's the law.

Of course, if I were to take the fan out of our bedroom right now, the sun would go Supernova. So I'll hold off on doing that.

You're welcome.

Well, well, well. I'm sure you all remember the wild tale I told you about the extra payment I tried to make towards our mortgage and all the FUN we went through with that. And all the FUN I inflicted upon the clerks in question there? Yes, well...

I can't leave things alone at two phone calls. I think you all know that about me. So I sent an email to the company with the subject, "You guys are THE WORST!" Yelling at the wind, I expected. Right up until I got a response from them:

"Thank you for your recent inquiry about your mortgage. Your loan has been transferred to CENTEX corporation. Please allow them one week to set up your account. You can contact them at 888.555.6847."

Oh - and don't respond to the message. Even though it has a PERSON'S name on the account and not one of those, "DoNotReply@" names.

Does anyone else feel the Great Middle Finger In The Sky over this? It may be time to refinance, but I'm trying - trying - to be mature now. Just not look it, obviously.

Yesterday - Tuesday - was one of our two Family Anniversaries. Namely, the third anniversary of the kids moving in with us. YAY!

That's right. 3 years of having the little monsters together under our roof. It's difficult to believe until you look back at the pictures. And YES! I will work on a photo update. Do you want all of them all at once or a gradual rollout?

Yeah, well, half of you will be happy...

OK. For now I'm done talking about the Idiot-In-Chief: he's already shown his stripes and anyone who still says, "He's MY guy!" should know well enough what to expect. Namely, that this guy can't let an 8-hour span of time pass without putting his teleprompter between himself and a television camera.

Pathetic. If he wanted to be an actor, why didn't he grow up to become a "theater organizer?" Ugh.

Here's the interesting part of our weekend: our kids now have a little brother. Which is to say that the bio-parents have given birth to another child - a son.

With God as my witness I hope this is a sign or a reason that they have/will get their lives together and this child will be a blessing to them. Seriously. This guy lost TWO sons, but more importantly, she lost a daughter. A daughter that will never be replaced, since "STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN."

Like every time I look back upon our experience, and lives, I stop and think, "what IF?" I mean, I know it was meant to be by all the things that happened and the timing of those things, but still - "what IF?"

These three are together, welcomed and loved. Should the worst happen and my phone should ring? Well, The Wif has already formulated an answer: we build a Bedroom Suite over the garage for MLD and move the boys as needed. Man - she's Janey-On-The-Spot...

One of the things we had to do was tell the kids that they had a baby brother... ... ... that they may never know nor meet.

Since I live in the world of probabilities instead of the world of make-believe, I decided to tell MLD right off about her new baby brother. We did this together. Once she heard the news, she started looking around for him, (which I found to be absolutely darling) and then asked if he was going to live with us. Being on the spot and all, I told her that there was ONE chance that he'd come live with us and EIGHT chances that he wouldn't. She's a math/science whiz, so I knew I was taking her language.

Things will happen as they're meant to happen - of course - but this is going to make our lives all that much more interesting. I'm up for it, and MLD is actually looking forward to seeing her new, youngest brother.

Mind you, she left her bed and room TWICE Sunday night explaining her fear as one in which "somebody was breaking into the house."

After I pointed to the door, the dogs, myself and the guns I keep here, she finally settled down and decided to sleep safe in the knowledge that she was pretty well covered.

We'll see what comes of this. Stay tuned...

Well, I'm an idiot. Worse yet, I'm a busy idiot without a CLUE on how to read a calendar. Just how I was made, I guess...

Yesterday was Monkey-Face's 11th birthday. Wow. I can vividly remember a time when he wouldn't come within 8 feet of me and would leave the room should I enter it. Of course, I can remember a time when he'd eat dog food, but that was during his visit here last week.

I'M KIDDING. He's a great kid with an over-active work ethic that will serve him well.

Now eleven years old. I'd also mention that there was a time when I could hold him in one hand, but NObody on this planet can make that claim. Happy Birthday, buddy. A day late.

Sorry about that.

An additional addendum - assuming that's not repetitive - is that my folks were just involved in an episode of "My First Place" on whatever the heck network broadcasts that show. Very interesting to see the other side of things laid out so bare. Also interesting to see how each broker told their clients, "that's the first time I've EVER seen that."

After watching about 6 minutes of the show I concluded that my folks may have a case under the Fair Housing Act. But maybe not and just as well either way, because they'd never play the role of victim. And good on 'em.

And NOW!

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it...

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
(Dagnabbit - author)

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?

A certain industriousness is always appreciated, but still...

OK - I'm weary of the health "care" "reform" "debate." For now, anyway. It just seems so pointless and, thankfully, the tide seems to be turning between the Happy Idiots who blindly support whatever sounds good and the rest of everyone who actually bothers to know what's in the bill. Unfortunately, the latter group obviously DOESN'T include our elected representatives. So if we're unable to make THEM do their jobs, what are the odds that "regular folk" out here will be bothered to learn what's in the bill?

I guess maybe that's what sticks in my craw the most: I've termed it the "puppies are cute" syndrome but it's a real thing that actually exists and seems to be impossible to fight. Except that people are. So I'll leave it to them and hope that just maybe - MAYBE - one of the "puppies are cute" crowd out there actually might take the time to become educated about that which they support.

But the belief I have in that possibility can be measured in pico-nanometers. So yeah. Let's move on...

We had a big development transpire around Stonestead 2.0 today. Namely, The Wif has pneumonia. No -- check that: she was diagnosed on Tuesday. Many drugs all around. (Funny Part: the doc gave her a primer on how to use the inhaler that was prescribed for her. She said, "Well, I've seen my husband use his..." Uhhhh, if you've seen one used you know how to. Exhale, spray, inhale, hold. Repeat as necessary. Sheesh! The instructions on shampoo bottles are more helpful than a doctor telling you how to use a bloody inhaler.) So she's sleepy and tired and taking antibiotics which are sure NOT to help that and taking leave from work BUT! Today she cleaned our bathroom, made dinner and put away boy clothes.

She is SUCH a pain in the butt...

Today (Thursday) marks the last night of swimming lessons at the "swinging pool," as Bink calls it. I don't know if we'll get a recommendation from the teachers as to where the kids should be next year - or more importantly WHY I should be putting so much weight behind the opinion of a nineteen year old - but in a sense it will be good to get this done for now. All the kids show at least the beginning signs of doing "actual" swimming, but we'll have to follow-up by taking them to the rec center from time to time.

To tell the truth, I'm glad to see them take to water so readily and eagerly. Especially given the fact that MLD couldn't be bothered with water in her eyes and when they moved in, D-Man couldn't be begged into a tablespoon of water. They both now go at it as if they had gills installed. And Bink is no slacker: he's short enough he can't always reach the floor in their "training area," so he just dives in and starts swimming back to the stairs.

Now, he's no Michael Phelps (hope I got that right - you know how much attention I pay to the olympics), but he shows a TON of promise. Gotta keep that fire fed, if you know what I mean.

In other updates, I bought the cables I needed in order to connect my PC to my LCD. IYKWIM. And then I went about doing just that. So far? Well, it all works but will need some tweaking. For example, the screen display isn't centered. No biggie, frankly. For another, the sound level seems to be WAY low, but that's only after a single test. Again, more testing is in order.

But the idea of playing a movie from my PC and watching it on my HD TV while being in full control of the volume while lying on my bed? We're getting there, people. Getting closer every day.

Tonight at "book-time", Bink chose an early Richard Scarry book which we own for reasons I cannot possibly explain. But it's about trucks and cars so I understand the appeal. One of the pages showed -- well, let's backup for a sec...

I have been trying to educate my kids about that portion of the world that I believe they should know about at their current ages. So: traffic lights, street signs, their colors and meaning instead of the definition of "sexy" (and it's already been brought up), is kind of the field I'm trying to keep them in. I face a long battle, I realize, but I battle all the same.

So they've already learned that white signs are the law (as you pass them), that yellow are warnings, (but can still get you a ticket if you're not careful), and green signs show directions and/or information. Eventually I'll show them how to calculate mileage and travel times based on our current speed. One of the best things I ever learned. (THANKS, POP!)

And while I'm sure The Knuckleheads have at least a preliminary grasp on this concept it's the traffic light thing that really captures their attention. They KNOW "red" "green" and "yellow." Maybe not in practice, but they have the theory down cold. So much so that if Bink can't see the green turn arrow when I go, he'll announce, "DADDY! YOU WENT ON A RED LIGHT!" I usually leave it to my defense attorney, (D-MAN, if he's actually visiting this planet at the time), to plead my case to his brother.

Foolish, I know.

So here's the thing; I've been explaining rules of the road to my kids and it seems that they've been paying attention. Well, some of them and one of them more than the others. So while Mommy was reading the cars, trucks and buses book to them, the little Safety Nazi pointed out that a taxi was being towed, but PEOPLE WERE STILL IN THE TAXI BEING TOWED! Horrors! THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE! And he seemed to want me to fix it somehow.

Dude, I appreciate your faith in my abilities, but this book is as old as I am! I can't go back in time and tell Scarry that the laws will change and he shouldn't include a picture with people in a car being towed. Even if I could, I doubt he'd listen. Besides, he's dead.

OK - buzzkill, I know. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to break him out of his Nazi-like tendencies. This should be interesting...

This health "care" "reform" is becoming a complete nightmare - which is much, MUCH better than it actually becoming the law - but still; there's a real and genuine "PUH-LEEZE" factor at play here. In a very unexpected turn of events, the left is projecting more than IMAX in these town hall meetings.

Which is to say, they claim that EVERYone who opposes the little o's plan, (which is an absolute joke in and of itself - the goober doesn't even know what's in it, apparently), and shows up to voice said opposition is a paid protester, a political plant or both. They can't seem to be convinced that people actually WANT to keep their insurance, (the house bill outlaws private insurance, remember), and their doctor.

Now, here's the "projection" part: The Chosen One's most recent town hall ONLY hosted those who were already on board with socializing medicine. In fact, the young "lady" who asked about all those "nasty signs" is the daughter of a serious obama-naught and donor and obvious plant. Didn't anyone wonder why they issued tickets to get into the thing? Seriously, if there's a teleprompter involved, (and there almost always is with this guy), it's obviously a staged event. So where do these guys get off calling the opposition "Un-American?" Did anyone - ANYONE - on the right ever actually call the lefties "un-American?" NO. Oh, the left made claims that it had happened, but when called on it they held a townhall which had only ticketed guests.

What a tool this guy is. He's supposed to be such a great orator and visionary but he can't take the chance of facing an opposing viewpoint? How lame is that...

As far as my mortgage is concerned, (and who brought THAT up anyway?), I'm in a holding pattern at the moment. Of course, I didn't know I was in a holding pattern at first and it took a bit of digging to find this out, but that's where I am all the same...

You may recall that I was ready to pay an extra mortgage payment each month with the idea being that the house will be paid off before my daughter enters high school. Should be WELL before she's in high school but you know -- things always come up. I've set a reasonable goal instead of an overly-ambitious one.

So. Last month I sent an extra one thousand dollars to my mortgage company. YAY! My first extra payment!

On Saturday I opened a thin envelope from my mortgage company. I contained a check for one thousand dollars and a letter. The letter explained that my payment was being returned because it wasn't a full payment. First problem: DUH. Second problem: who turns down EXTRA money? Third problem: I'm enrolled in their auto-pay program, so they should KNOW that a full payment was on the way!!

Why is it impossible to find someone with a brain at these places?!? (Yes, I can hear Dood saying, "you work for the gubermint. You should be used to it, carpeting")(Feel free to ask me or him about the carpeting part.) Why couldn't someone take 14 seconds to look at our account, see that we're set up for automatic draft and deduce that any extra payment MUST be a payment against principal? Sheesh.

Of course I HAD to call them and did so. I got some old battleaxe-sounding clerk who - once hearing my dilemma - told me that the problem was that the "extra" payment came before my regular payment and was rejected. I asked her when an "extra" payment WOULDN'T come before my next scheduled payment. She said, and I quote, "Let me explain something to *CLICK*" as she hung up on me.

PERFECT!

So I tried again today. Stayed on hold for 75 minutes while listening to some guy say, "Please continue to hold," every 10 seconds, or got stuck in a kenny g loop that made me want to claw through my skull. OH! Or heard some chick tell me, "to save a wait, you can go online to make a payment, get your balance, check your account status..." Of course, she said this 32 times during my wait so I kind of figured out that these things are possible. (In the course of logging on to my account I found that it was "temporarily suspended." Presumably due to AN EXTRA FRICKIN' PAYMENT!!)

I finally talked to some twerp who told me that any extra principal had to be sent in via snail-mail, addressed to the customer service section, Attn: special branch, with "apply to principal" in the memo, written in the dead of night under a full moon outside while wearing a single white sneaker over the left ear... or something like that. As soon as this guy said, "send a check through the mail," he lost me.

In 2009? A paper check? Seriously?!? You gotta be kidding me.

I also called our mortgage broker and left a message. She called me at the worst possible time this evening, (natch), and provided some interesting information. Our mortgage company has gone out of business. They'll still, (for now) service existing loans but are not originating new loans or re-fi's. We haven't yet received word that our loan is going to be sold, but anything's possible, right?

So I'm on hold where a mere decade ago I would have flown off the handle and signed up for a 10% mortgage just to, "prove a point." The point being that I'm a moron, I guess.

Aging has its benefits. I think men recognize them more readily than women do, and with good reason...

The Wif went to the store tonight after telling me that she'd "NEVER BE ABLE" to get her act together in order to compose a list. April Fools! I suppose. And since I was born in April, that would make me the fool that carries everything in. From the van.

Further, I was in charge of the kids, (if everyone understands the phrase, "in charge," to mean, WHY WON'T YOU TAKE A NAP??!?" and that sort of thing), until it was bedtime and I was able to discharge my responsibility by making sure the Nyquil Smoothies had kicked in.

Then, I got to unload the van (I never wanted) and start to put things away. Which is a beautiful excuse for NOT completing the job, but still doing enough to get by. That is, you carry in all the bags, empty about 80% of them, placing things SOMEWHERE near where they're supposed to go and then The Wif comes in straightens everything out.

And does it herself. Even throwing away the lettuce - which I would have done from day one...

I discovered something that may be of interest only to me but is still pretty cool: there are entire episodes of the "classic" Hollywood Squares episodes to be found on YouTube. I haven't searched enough, but there may also be full episodes on Hulu.com. The problem there is that I got distracted by a ball of string the fact that they had full episodes of The Bob Newhart Show online and I can't get enough of Bob Newhart. Good stuff.

In case you didn't know - and most of you won't but two of you will - @eddieizzard has run 12 marathons in 14 days and I don't think he's done yet. He's a machine and more power to him for it. Very well played!

We visited a friend today and just hung out in our old neighborhood. Talked. Had lunch at Wendys. A good time that actually meant something. She may stay or return - we'll have to see.

I went school-supply shopping with my daughter today. Early on it was proving to be a frustrating venture and we just got what we could, (sans Band-Aids, for Pete's Sake), and then moved on to the next store. We got everything, (and DON'T get me started on how "teacher's supplies" suddenly have found their way onto the "students' supply" list. I'm tempted NOT to go along, but I suspect I'd pay the price along the way...).

Friday night I was lying on the couch and playing with my eldest son, (something he calls, "watching TV"), when he slams his head against the bridge of my nose. I know it took a toll because I actually heard The Wif say, "OUCH!" as it hit. That is, as his head hit my nose.

My nose hasn't stopped bleeding since. It's just that perfect.

In accordance with a previous message, I feel that I owe many of you an update: Since I had planned to pay an extra payment - or nearly so - each month, I need to tell you that the idiots at my mortgage company have really messed up. I sent an extra one grand, but they rejected it because it wasn't a full payment. Further, not only did they reject the payment, but they sent it back.

So I deposited the check they returned, natch.

And I plan to return it after talking to those people. If you leave me with this much cash, I'll do something dangerous with it...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE:All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested in what they have to say?
HAROLD: A teacher?

HOLY CRAP! The skies are angry and we're the ones to hear the grievances. Lightning - as close as it can be without hitting my toes - thunder so loud it shakes the roof, (GREAT -- another expense), and this is just the pre-game: rain is sure to follow and with my luck it will bring along it's more serious cousin, hail.

Now like anyone I love the smell of rain and I'm certainly grateful when it shows up, (Oh - it just did; starting slow but serious. This could amount to something), but hail is a different matter. Just like everyone roughly my age I heard, "OH! Hail once killed a man! Don't ever go out in it or you could die!"

Yet another old wives' tale told by old wives. And I mean that literally. Fathers would NEVER warn their children against going outside - even briefly - in hail. In fact, if we left a book in the passenger seat of our car, we'd first unlock the car, (via the fob), then send one of our children out to retrieve said book. I mean, the hail won't KILL them, right? Besides, they're young and their bruises heal a heck of a lot faster than ours would, so what's the problem?

Oh, right: gubermint ninnies. Speaking of which...

It seems that the Novice In Chief has enacted some sort of unofficial official in order to keep track of everyone who ever says or writes something that goes against the HUGE GUBERMINT TAKEOVER of health care. This is an interesting move for any number of (what should be obvious) reasons, but here's what struck me about it:

—Sycophants are encouraged to "turn in" anybody they find complaining online about the little o's health care dream. I BEG all of you to report me to flag@whitehouse.gov . The report could drive traffic THROUGH THE ROOF!

—Why didn't BUSH THE DICTATOR THE SECOND ever enact such a policy? And don't come back with "the patriot act," because that only passed through Congress with the vote of every democrat - save the single exception of a nutburger that has NO IDEA of American history. Or of space and time. Or of American History.

And so long as we're talking about TEAparties, (because we are), I need to mention that barbara, "dumb as a sack of wet hair" boxer actually said, "this is an organized effort... to change the congress." Could SOMEONE please deliver to her a copy of a little thing called THE CONSTITUTION to her?? PLEASE?!?

How can someone THAT stupid get elected to publi... Oh, wait. California. That's right -- explains it all. I'll have to write to her (staff) and try an explanation. I suspect my efforts will fail, but I'm used to that. I'm a Fed and used to hearing my words go unheeded. Kind of like something that is just outside my realm of consciousness at the moment...

And along the lines, of reporting "subversives", I'd like to say that I'm well onboard with that program. To wit, I've already sent the following email to the above, "Flag The Serious Offenders" program. The message went thus:

Please note the following subversive speech on the World Wide Web:

http://michellemalkin.com/2009/08/04/health-care-czars-office-calls-for-internet-snitch-brigade/
http://michellemalkin.com/2009/07/26/culture-of-corruption-czars-of-the-obama-underworld/

Additionally, I would like to confess - in a cloud of doubt and shame - that I am also an internet subversive counter-revolutionary against the Novice-In-Chief's health care plan. I will sit back and wait for the Brown Shirts to come and tear me away from my Wife and 3 young children, (7, 4, and 3). Perhaps you could ring first so they wouldn't have to hear the door being kicked open in the middle of the night?

That would be just great. Thanks. I'm just so SICK of these 1st amendment rights that Washington et.al. fought for so hard to protect us "regular folk." And "petition of grievances?" OH! That is SO 1878!!

I'll always remember that "dissent is the quickest way to an IRS audit." Thank you for your time.

Thank You
- Colorado.

The very fact that we're no longer allowed to speak or write ANYTHING against The One's plans without coming under gubermint scrutiny should speak for itself. But I'm afraid it won't: too many of you will just be voting for the "Puppies Are Cute" stuff instead of bothering to learn even the first thing about it. Oh, well.

Anyone seen "Wanted?"

If you don't know what/who I mean by "Walter" in the title, well, you need to get out more. I'm talking about the Jeff Dunham character. The old guy in a sweater who acts like - well, an old guy in a sweater. I watch at least one of his clips every other day and I still continue to laugh at the routines. Absolute hilarity. Kills me every time.

Not for everyone's taste, I realize, but it just hits me right. Probably because I'm recognizing all too much of myself in him, but still...

So in that spirit I'd just like to say, "Good job, DUMBASS!" to all you little o supporters. You thought you were going to "soak the rich" because the promise was you'd get a tax cut, (despite the fact that he said he'd said he was going to allow the tax cuts to expire), and if you made less than $250,000 your taxes wouldn't be increased.

"April Fool, Dumbass!" as Walter has said. Last weekend it was pretty much "leaked" that your taxes will be raised. Oh, I'm sorry. How do I know that you're middle class? Well,if you're an ultra-rich person you probably already support the Novice-In-Chief. If you're poor, you support the little o because you think you're going to get something at the expense of someone else. But the fact is that we're pretty much all middle class in this country.

And - as I promised - you're going to pay more in taxes. If only you could be convinced that it would actually come to something good. You know, like how education has so greatly improved since The Worthless One paid back the teacher's union with that extra cabinet post. As if anyone has paid attention.

I had an interesting thought today: namely, what happened to freedom in my country? And aren't the lefties supposed to be the party of "choice?" So why do they want to deny the elderly the choice of health care, (via medicare), or the poor the choice of health care, (via medicaid), or the rest of us retirement options, (via social security), but they're more than ready to pay to kill babies or the elderly at the first whisper of a suggestion?

Well, you're free to guess but I have to take the kids to day care in the morning. The Wif is going to be a part of the "faculty" at a seminar tomorrow and that means a shift in the routine for everyone. But I'll feel it the most.

Most likely.

Let's start with the obvious here: I'm getting old. The signs have been creeping in more and more as I start to ask myself, "why in the world would her parents let her out of the house dressed like that?" among other things, but it really hit home the other day. I was in my backyard - which many of you know is overshadowed by the sound from the state highway which borders our property - and some idiot on a crotch-rocket races by trying to max out both the engine and my eardrums.

My first thought was that I needed to start filling out paperwork with the city to install radio controlled spike strips in that stretch of road so that I could hit "1" or "2" or "3" - to correspond to whichever lane said idiot is traveling in - and immediately puncture his tires. Serves the moron right, right?

Of course, my next thought was that 20 years ago I would have been that idiot on the motorcycle! What happened to that guy who rode a bike? A LOUD bike? And rode it too fast for conditions and through neighborhoods he had no business going through?!?

And then I look in the mirror and the reminders come quickly...

I had a conversation at The Hen Party with The Wif's near-life-long friend, but to be fair, she started it: she asked us what we thought about King Barry I's health care plan. Knowing that she supported it and would therefore make this a thorny issue, I decided to answer it in the only way I know how: honestly. I told her that I KNEW this would end up being a disaster, cost more than anyone could ever imagine, ration care and just be a HUGE boondoggle.

After she asked why I held these beliefs I told her that gubermint does NOTHING well, efficiently or on budget. "That's not reason enough," she claimed.

WHAT?!? The fact that gubermint has messed up EVERY large scale social project it's undertaken isn't reason enough to be against handing over ANOTHER sector of the economy to them? On WHICH planet?? It's the PERFECT reason to oppose handing over control of our health and wealth to those idiots in D.C..

I mean, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, (which you won't see a dime of, BTW), Hell - even the 'cash for clunkers' program -- they're all either broke or about to be broke. And that's before you consider the little o's increased national debt and the burden it will place on our nation and our children for generations to come. But supposedly, this isn't proof enough that the gubermint SHOULDN'T be in charge of our health.

What was her argument FOR this mess? That every other industrialized nation has socialized health care. I almost fell on the floor when I heard that. My mind reeled and ached...

So... - ... the fact that gubermint messes things up ISN'T enough to discourage this enormous takeover of the health care industry, but we have to do it because "everyone else is doing it?" What the heck IS THIS?!? Policy by peer pressure?

Man, I miss our "cowboy" days already.

Further, I was amazed by the fact that she didn't know that the so-called "public option" completely OUTLAWS private insurance, (page 16, section 102). Then again, upon reflection I realized that lefties always support the "Puppies Are Cute" bills without a single clue as to what's actually IN them. It's nearly universally true that the left hears, "this will help the poor," and listen to a teleprompter-reliant charismatic say, "it's time to recognize that, in fact, puppies ARE cute," and take it for granted that it's all true because they WANT to believe it.

And these are supposed to be the smart people among us? Sheesh.

Of course, these "smart people" are aided along the way by the Happy Idiots who say, "oh, I can't be bothered by politics," but will eventually bemoan - God willing - their increased tax burden or rationed health care or unbearable gasoline prices or what-not. And making it worse is the COMPLETE idiots on the network news who don't know a darned thing about economics but swoon as soon as The One opens his mouth. A great state of affairs and it adds up to little surprise about where we're headed at the moment.

And since I mentioned the 'cash for clunkers' program I may as well finish with it: first off, these people can't manage sending rebates to Americans who avail themselves of this ill-advised program? And we're surprised by this? "No, no - really. I'd LOVE to trust these guys with my prostate. And could you take a look at my spleen while you're at it? Oh - November? Of 2012? OK! See you then!."

Secondly, I'm 98% certain that none of you and nobody out there can EVER convince me that encouraging citizens to incur additional debt, (by buying a new car), and quintupling our national debt will IMPROVE our economy. How in the world would that work, exactly? I know that VP slow-joe said we need to spend money to keep from going bankrupt, but who - beyond that... guy... actually believes that? Alexander Hamilton not withstanding.

Lastly, it was good to see the manufacturer's numbers come in and show that Ford had a good return while Gubermint Moters ran a distant 18^th, (or whatever they ended up). Maybe my fellow citizens are sitting up and taking notice. Good on ya'

We're currently recovering from the latest hen party and that means that The Wif is snoring on the couch and I had to put the chittlin's to bed on my own: always an adventure. Especially given the fact that when my kids are around their cousins they seem to leave their brains with them, (Could you hold this for me? I'll pick it up next time we go to Grandma's), and immediately forget even the most simple of rules.

And so enter the spankings. The Knuckleheads were caught outside playing in the water-filled sandbox - AGAIN - after being warned to stay away from it. The best part is, this rainy summer has continually filled the box and the second time I had to water the garden, (today), I saw them capturing the spray in tin buckets and filling it because it hadn't rained.

In short, they get warned against playing in there EVERY DAY! Can they remember it? Well, no. So when I saw them out there I called them in and smacked their butts, (Mommy was already snoring). I sent them up for jammies and it quickly bacame obvious that jammies were the last thing on their minds; I could hear them jumping and running and after doing a quick inventory of what they might find in our room, (they can't work the slide yet, so... OK), I decided to let them go.

I came upstairs 20 minutes later to 2 naked boys. Once they saw me, D-Man said, "uh -- uh -- did you say 'jammies?'"

Now I'll give him this: he has a quick mind. He knew he was caught. He knew he was in trouble. He did his best to get out of it. He failed...

See, he was trying to get out of trouble by pretending that he wasn't sure if I said "jammies" or "bath." His 'tell?' They were in their room. Normally, when I say "BATH!" they go upstairs, run around naked, (they're boys), and are sitting on the bathroom floor in about 5 minutes. Tonight they were caught naked in their own bedroom with 2 Pull-ups on the floor. Yeah, boy. You were Confused.

As for the hen party things went HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!? I was trying to keep an insane Israeli away from the other kids, re-stock the popcorn and keep the cheese fresh, (mainly by trying to eat most of it). It was pretty much a full time job. At one point I had to employ an all-child discipline by turning off the Scooby-do marathon and the kids dispersed.

Things got interesting: my youngest nephew asked to play pinball and I asked if he'd brought his quarters. He walked away, (but came back later with the same question). Most kids went downstairs to play, but when the Crazy Child started whipping everyone with a plastic rod, (think Matchbox Track but more concentrated), even the enormous near-teens decided to go watch the hen party. Kinda cool that they didn't want to just smush the kid, but we may need to define some line for the future. Maybe, "sit on him, but once his face turns blue you roll him over."

That sort of thing.

I'm just catching up on some real-world stupidity that has recently passed as the latest OHMYGODTHISGUYISSOGREAT moment. Namely, the perfesser gates incident. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had someone arrested on my front yard. I have had police called to my abode TWICE and have even called police to my home. None of these incidents have led to my wrists handcuffed behind my back. NOT. A. ONE.

So as a public service, I'm going to share my secret with all of you right now. Are you ready? You may want to grab a pen and a small piece of paper, write this down and keep it on you at all times as a handy reference. Maybe it can keep you from being arrested in the future.

Ready? Here's the secret: "Yes Sir." You're in the right? "Yes Sir." You're in the wrong? "Yes Sir." Don't know what's going on? "Yes Sir." AND THEN YOU DO WHAT THE OFFICER TELLS YOU TO DO!

Seem too simple to work? Well I'm here to tell you that it does. And I'm awfully surprised that ANY married man would ever fail this test, frankly.

So I'm either very surprised or not surprised at all that perfesser gates was arrested. After all, when an Officer asks you to step outside and show some ID, shouting, "Do you know who I am?!?" is the obvious real-world equivalent of a Get Out Of Jail Free card, right? I mean, should the Cop immediately say, "Oh, I had no idea you were someone - you're free to go."?

The other thing I love about this incident is the, "this is what happens to a black man in America" comment perfesser gates decided to sling around. I might suggest such responses as, "no, a black man in America becomes President," or, "no, this is what happens when you talk back to Cops," or, "No, this is what we think of your 'academic achievement,' sir."

Of course, one of the better moments came when the Novice-In-Chief said, "I don't know all the facts" AND, "the cops acted stupidly" in consecutive breaths. Which is in and of itself just mind-jarring and revealing: what ELSE doesn't he know about that he's commenting upon?

Oh yeah - EVERYTHING.

Of the "Suds Summitt", well, there's too much to comment on. First off, it was the perfect representation of the little o's regime: all photo-opportunity and absolutely NO result. It was touted as a "Learning Moment," but the two people who had something to learn from this opportunity, well, one needed to learn to listen to the Cops and the other needed to learn to SHUT THE HELL UP until he knew what actually happened. The last guy -- HEY! He actually KNEW what he was doing! Guess he should have been exempt from wasting 3 days of his life in this stupid endeavor. What a frickin' joke.

I've already told you that one of my guilty pleasures is the TV show "Cheaters." And yes, I love that show. It gets weird at times but it's a formula that always works and even though - like "Cops" - one episode pretty much gives the whole gig away, it's always reliable viewing.

So I'm also going to confess that another show I really, really enjoy is, "Inside American Jail." It's done by the "Cops" guys and they go from jail to jail, (different from prison), and tape the intake, containment and release phases of the people who are brought in. It's a fascinating study of the human animal and how certain circumstances bring about all kinds of different reactions in people.

Some cry, some fight, some scream. The Officers at the jail have to deal with them all. There's a plan. There's training and there's some action.

And there's some very good people doing exactly all of that. Maybe that's what I'm so grateful for...